Well, for everybody else, it’s some amazing holiday that’s somehow been twisted to make everybody feel lovey-dovey and whatnot. A holiday where everybody’s one big family, and everything’s about working past all the shit in life, and looking at the wonderful things that life has to offer. Ironic, to say the least. Because I truly believed that the 4th of July was just about American independence. What do I know, though, right? I’m too broken and miserable, too hollow and sad to understand anything. Okay, I’m overplaying things, but you get the point. Anyway, it’s the 4th of July. I’ve only just begun my Summer reading. Which is kind of bad. (I have to read a < 400 page book, then write at least 20 entries worth of analytical and descriptive perspectives on quotes from the book.) I’ve got a month or so to do all that. Plus subbing. And writing my book.

In all honesty, I’m happy to have a lot of things to do. Stress is good, because it allows a person to stay on track, gives a person purpose, etc. This entire Summer, I’ve been stress-less and purpose-less. It’ll be good to get back into doing at least something constructive. Even if I don’t enjoy the things all too much. As for subbing, I’ve honestly contemplated just letting it go for now. It’s not like anybody’s asked for a video, and it’s not like anybody’s expecting anything. So what’s there to lose, right? It’ll be an auxillary option if I happen to finish everything early. But in all honesty, I’m most likely going to just relax until school begins. That way, I have maybe a week or two of complete freedom in the face of countless stressful, hectic, and demanding nights of schoolwork, studying, and all the other shit that comes with my sophomore year. I’ve made it a personal mission with myself to be the best in everything that I do. I’ve made it a mission to just fuck the lax persona that I carried throughout last year. Fuck every study habit, every pattern of work, everything that I did. It obviously wasn’t good enough. I slacked off a lot. And that’s gone. I’m not going to put up with anything except a well-driven, hard-ass approach at this year. A week or two of freedom beforehand would be nice, you know?

And well, in the face of all this, I’ve begun to slip out of the mental state that I was in for the last 3 weeks or so. The whole detached, numb, empty, confused, lost, etc. sort of thing that was going on. I honestly have no idea how to explain what that was. I can easily tell you why it happened, how it happened, and why it’s begun to fade…but I don’t know what it was. Anyway…the important thing is that it’s begun to slip away. Which I knew was bound to happen. If there’s anything about me…it’s that I always get out of everything. I’m always able to slip out of whatever tight spot I’m in. I should have died so many times before in my life…and yet, I’m here. So many things should have gone differently in my life…and yet they aren’t. I should be completely traumatized, insane… I honestly should have killed myself long ago. And I’m still here. And now, I’m continuing on, past everything that’s happened recently, virtually unscathed. The one thing to know about me is that no matter what… My soul eternally lives to fight another day.

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won’t sing for you
‘Cause all that’s left has gone away
And there’s nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you’ve done
You’ve made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view
‘Cause I just can’t think for you
I can hardly hear you say
What should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you’ve done
You’ve made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you’ve done
You’ve made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

Take my photo off the wall
If it just won’t sing for you
‘Cause all that’s left has gone away
And there’s nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you’ve done
You’ve made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems likes such fun
Until you lose what you had won

Oh, look what you’ve done
You’ve made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone
A fool of everyone

The way I deal with tragedy is I lock it away, and let it build up within. I close myself off from every emotion there is, so I never have to feel pain again. It’s a curse to not feel anything…because I guess if you can’t feel pain, then you also can’t feel joy. If you lock everything away…you get eaten from the inside out. I honestly don’t really believe that closing myself away is anything less than the perfect thing to do. But I feel like I’m receiving some effects from closing away Kira and my breakup. Either that or I’m receiving effects from the diphenhydramine I’ve been taking. Either way…this is a sort of last resort before flooding myself in a ton of schoolwork, subbing, etc. to try and drain away the feelings I’ve been getting.

I’m completely apathetic. I’m not miserable. I’m not happy. I don’t know…what I am. I lack any sort of emotion at all. I can share a laugh and I can definitely put on a frown…but I’m incapable of experiencing any sort of emotion for more than a few seconds. Otherwise…it’s as if I don’t know what I should feel. And that’s what’s scaring the hell out of me. I have this…feeling. In the pit of my stomach. It won’t go away. And I don’t know what it is. That’s what’s scaring the hell out of me. Not knowing anything is tearing me apart. Not knowing whether I’m happy or sad…not knowing what this feeling is deep inside.

I’ve been on this bed of mine for nearly a month now. Over a month, actually. Doing pretty much the same thing every single fucking day. What the fuck am I doing? I’ll tell you what. Nothing. And that’s what’s eating me alive. I have no family. I have no friends. I push away the only people that can stand me. And the whole way through, I lock everything away, so I don’t have to feel any guilt. Any regret. Any sorrow for doing it. Any pain because of it. And I know why this has reached a pinnacle only just after Kira and I split up. Breaking up with her meant that love is meaningless. That love hurts. Sure, I knew that before. But this meant something to me. I would be torn apart if I felt anything over breaking up with her. I have this mechanism…this complex…where I have to go the other direction in everything I do. I have to make a road of my own. Because if I don’t find my own place with my own respective solitude all on my own…then I’m just another person in the crowd. I’m just another human being. And I hate humanity. I’m misanthropic and cynical. If I’m just another human being…then I’m also a hypocrite to hate everybody and be part of everybody. And I hate hypocrisy the most. Everybody is hurt by love. I’ve had my fair share of experience in that. So I both need to lock away my pain and guilt, and also need to be different. So I find love as the enemy. I lock away all emotions and tell myself what a cold, dark world it is. What a terrible thing love is. And  then I don’t love anymore. Because love hurts. Because I need to be different. Alone. I need to hide. To shove everything that might hurt me away. But not only do I never love again…I also kill whatever sense of love I might have. So I don’t know whether to love or not. I’m indifferent to the feeling of love ever again. Just like the concept of family…like the concept of trust. I’ve destroyed…one by one…any sort of humanity within me. The last straw was love. Now I’m truly hollow. And I suppose I’m figuring that out the hard way.

The scariest damn moment of my life. Not being able to think clearly. Not being able to figure something out. My own self. My own emotions. What’s going on in my head. For somebody strong enough to withstand a barrage of attacks from the outside… I am weak to be so severely hurt by one attack from within.

That’s all for now. Sadly…I stand to fight another day. As I always will. When so many times, I should not have stood again.

I quoth: “This too shall pass.”

I broke up with Kira yesterday. I’m much better off alone. I’ve always been cold and distant. A loner. I’ve always been selfish and ruthless, and have always hated people. I can’t help who I am. I can’t help being miserable. The least I can do for her in return is spare her decades of agony, regret, and pain. Spare her the burden of having to deal with the misery I carry, and the misery I spread. There’s a reason why people like me spend their entire lives alone. It’s the only way that’s rational. The goal of life is to keep misery at a minimum, since you can never eliminate misery. With me being alone, only one person has to be miserable. Not two.

I’ve been suffering some pretty severe insomnia lately. I’ve been taking diphenhydramine, with minimal results. Along with the insomnia, there’s the typical Summer apathy. A sort of loss of purpose has swept over me. As if I feel like I’m wasting away. I’ve been trying to keep as busy as possible, and plan to start doing a whole bunch more in the coming weeks. Schoolwork over the Summer seems insane, but luckily enough, I have an entire Summer reading project to do. At least I’ll have something to do for a while. In the meantime, I’ll be subbing some music videos, working out a few days, and trying to relax.

The years seem to pass by quickly, eh? Tenth grade already. It seems mildly surreal, you know? I feel like I should still be in middle school or something. Not completely. It’s not like I feel out of place or anything. It’s just that when you look at me and call me a sophomore…it just feels wrong. It feels like I’m still a freshman. I’ve been deciding very much about being a doctor. Going to medical school will be a bit of a pain in the ass, but I’m kind of interested. Either that, or I’m back to teaching and writing. Well, I’d never stop writing, even if I became a doctor, but I’m just saying. As a fallback. If I’m a doctor, I’m pretty sure my paycheck will be good enough to cross off writing as a second career.

I keep on letting this site slip away. I post one thing here and there, but I’m not very consistent, huh? Oh well. I’ll try to keep posting. My life’s not too interesting anyway. And I highly doubt anybody cares to read any of this. This is all pretty much just for me.

Pft. I barely even want to read all this.

I’m
Taking a ride
Off to one side
It is a personal thing
Where
When I can’t stand
Up in this cage I’m not regretting

I don’t need a better thing
I’d settle for less
It’s another thing for me
I just have to wander through this world
Alone

Stop
before you fall
Into the hole that I have dug here
Rest
Even as you
Are starting to feel the way I used to

I don’t need a better thing
Just to sound confused
Don’t talk about everyone
I am not amused by you

‘Cause I’m gonna lose you
Yes, I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you

‘Cause I’m gonna lose you
Yes, I’m gonna lose you
If I’m gonna lose you

I’m gonna lose you for good

Okay, so I’m bullshitting you. The truth is that I’m lost in a dark, pessimistic world, more and more like House every day. And I just don’t know what set it off. I probably explored all this in some previous journal entry, but whatever. It could have been the fact that I did what I always do. I adapted to something to make sure that nobody could break down my defenses. I sealed myself away, making sure that nothing and nobody could ever get through. It’s like when I let somebody in, it feels really good. But then it just blows up in my face. I feel shattered, in a way. I feel like it was a mistake. And for all I know, it was a mistake. The problem, then, is with love. I can’t, haven’t, and will never harbor the thought that letting somebody who I love inside is a mistake. But I will openly and happily admit that letting somebody who isn’t my lover inside is a mistake. What I can’t understand is why I’ve become so much more of who I am…the actual person; dark, pessimistic, blah blah blah…to Kira.

So much recently have I broken countless commitments that I made to myself for her. I’ve turned my back on her because of things she does, I’ve done stupid things like gotten angry over the stupidest things, blah blah blah. I feel so terrible when I do the things, but for some reason…I also feel good! And I want kill myself for that. Really. I feel so goddamn terrible over the fact that I actually get enjoyment out of that. So my point is that this person I’ve become is affecting Kira and I, which I definitely have covered in a previous journal entry. But it’s just something really big to me. I don’t know. I barely know what to say anymore. Other than some gigantic rant about how horrible life is, and all the pain and crap that’s in it. Then I’d tie some rational, sensical part into it about dealing with it. For now, though, I just don’t know what else to say. I am lost.

Well, recently, I feel both melancholy and happy. It’s kind of a weird feeling, actually. There’s nothing wrong at all, and I feel completely fine. Nothing disturbing me at all. I’m happy. But I also have a very open and very blatant pessimistic side now. Only recently have I become this dark and…well, for a lack of a better word, only recently have I become this cynical. Sadistic, if you’d like to put it that way. Hell, for somebody like me, the smallest thing could have set it off. The fact that I’ve been drowning myself in the T.V series House is probably a gigantic source of it. But well, it’s surely interesting. It adds whole new meaning to who I am. It’s actually kind of cool, in a bad, horrible way.

School is almost over. Which may be a good thing, contrary to what I believed. Taking away this gigantic work load will be quite a relief. The fact that I can begin fulfilling my commitments with subbing and stuff is also quite exciting. And also, of course, I have all that free time! I can do whatever I want, when I want, and however I want. FINALLY! Yes, my time with Kira will be dramatically reduced. I might not even see her this entire summer, because she’s quite busy. “Sighs” Oh well. With this newly acquired pessimistic, melancholy, dark, sadistic, and strangely conceited point of view, I feel unaffected. Not that it doesn’t hurt or anything, and not that I’m not inflicted by it, but I just won’t be destroyed by it.

I think that a large part of the whole new melancholy, pessimistic thing is a part of who I’ve always been. People don’t change. And I most definitely haven’t. I’ve just gotten better at what I do and who I am. I’ve adapted. I went through a dramatic low from February to April, only sinking further and further into my own apathy and depression. My sorrow swallowed me whole, and I tried so hard to get out. But it was like quicksand, pulling me further in the harder I tried to get out. It didn’t matter whether I wanted out or not. I was there, and nothing was going to stop it. But as always, I shut away my pain and hid myself from the world. And when it mattered most, I did my best to channel my pain and keep others out at the same time. Kira wanted to know what was wrong so many times, and I don’t think I ever told her everything. I did all I could to just channel my pain to the perfect extent without letting anybody inside too far. If you ask me, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what was wrong. I honestly don’t know the complete story. I guess I’m just so complex and so fucked up that I don’t even understand myself. I could. If I wanted to. But something inside of me just doesn’t want to. I probably have the best psychoanalytical abilties anybody on Earth could ever have. I could probably figure anybody out. But the one way to not be able to analyze somebody is if the analyist doesn’t want to. For myself, I don’t know why I don’t want to. But I simply don’t. If I could control what I feel, what I think, the deeper parts of me and not just the shallow and hollow parts of me, then I’d be able to understand. But I can’t. And I guess that’s what is the most frustrating part for me. I need to understand things. I need knowledge. Curiosity and my thirst for knowledge is a major downfall to me. Everything is a puzzle to me; life serves as an intricate mystery that I love to scrutinize over and over until I understand every single facet of it. It’s just who I am.

So anyway, after I finally found a light at the end of the tunnel, I did what I also always have done. I sealed away my pain with something foolproof. Something that would work. Pessimism. Darkness. Making the part of me that doesn’t shine brightly to shine brighter than any other part of me. Surely, it’s just one tunnel in the countless number of tunnels to come my way in my feeble existence, but I guess I can’t only look at them as tunnels. I’ve become darker. Pessimistic. Completely overwhelmed with my dark side. But I saved myself. I saved Kira. I saved us. I didn’t give up on us. I could have. I could have convinced myself that there was no point in trying to fight for us anymore, but I didn’t. And it paid off. I got the amazing day with her that I’d been waiting for. And another after that.

So if there has been any lesson at all, amidst this gigantic rant, it’s been that there is shimmers of hope amidst the darkest shadows. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know that it’ll be with Kira. Together. They say that daisies can represent life and death. Life will have its ups and its downs, and I’ll be stuck. I’ll feel lost and completely destroyed. Sooner or later. And then I’ll feel amazing while I’m having the best day of my life. Wherever we go, I know that daisies await us.

Sometimes I wish I could actually control what I feel… It’s just that I’m so sick and tired of being ruled by my emotions. I don’t want to feel sad for the most idiotic reasons ever. I’m so sensitive that I get set off by something as stupid as not being paid attention to. I mean, you would seriously think with who I am, I wouldn’t care less. (I’ll insert a journal entry sometime later that explains everything about who I am, my history, my life, etc. Just for logistics purposes.) Everything that I do has an effect on how I feel, even the smallest, very minute things that I do. Everything that everybody else does has an even bigger effect on my emotions, and even smaller things can affect me. But I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be so severely depressed as I was on Friday because of something I feel embarrased being depressed over. Most of all, I don’t want to be this way because of Kira. I betray every word I ever have spoken to myself or to her about everything that I would do for her, everything that I would be for her, and everything that I would be. I break every single promise I ever made. And I just can’t have that. I can’t live knowing that I said I’d always care, that I’d always be there, that I’d never turn my back on her, and suddenly turn my back, not caring and not staying. Just because of some stupid little thing that shouldn’t mean a thing, but it did to me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.

I don’t know what’s happening to me… I suppose I’ve always been severely emotional, but not to the extent that everything that happens affects my emotions. And as I always have been, I’m alone. And I guess that’s sort of why this has taken over who I am to such a large extent. I feel like I’m going back to my past. I feel like I’m back in the hell that turned me into what I am today. For so long, I bottled up my past and let it go. I left it alone, waiting for it to die away on its own. Waiting for the pain to go away. Waiting for every haunting memory to disappear. But it’s all still here with me. Deep inside of me, it festers. I feel it inside of me, clawing its way out. And for some reason, it’s affecting me now more than ever. For so long, I’ve been numb and cold, leaving myself invulnerable to any sort of pain that my past could bring. But now, I’ve fallen in love. And my emotions have opened. My heart is once again beating, vibrant with life. For once, after what seemed like ages of agony and despair, being left out in the cold to die, I feel alive once again. I feel as if there is hope. And that’s why my past is catching up with me. Ghosts I never killed now chase me, and I know they’ll catch me. My demons awake along with my emotions; the haunting nightmares of what once was is awakens alongside my own heart. For what purpose, I don’t believe it matters. Because the fact of the matter is that they are there, regardless of reason or purpose. They haunt my every dream, and they plague my very existence. It’s been nearly 8 months since I’d fallen in love, but during those 8 months, I felt something inside of me… Building. Growing. And beginning to claw its way out. Love, however, masked it all. I felt that I had completely forgotten it all. I felt that I was free of who I was. And now I pay for what a fool I was. I was an imbecile to believe that anybody could ever be free of who they once were. The lesson I thus learned is that people don’t change. Rather, we adapt, and we build. We grow out of who we once were, but that person is never forgotten. It dwells deep inside of you until the day you die. It depends, though, whether that person is like the person I once was – wounded, broken, shattered, and destroyed to the point where it’s nothing but a cold, numb, empty shell – or something else. Because if it is broken, then nothing can stop your past from haunting you. Nothing can stop that person from clawing its way out. Your past will always haunt you; memories never fade.

So I couldn’t possibly say that I have any idea as to what to do. I can’t be free of my past. Not ever. All I can do is quietly suffer and hope. Hope that it’ll fade on its own, receding back to the abyss it came from. There is a hole in me. A dark, sorrowful chasm in which all my pain and sorrow, lamented memories and my darkest shadows take refuge. And all I can do is hope that maybe one day, that hole will be covered. Because I’ll never be free of my past. But I can make it go away.

What’s ironic is that I can’t help but feel that way today. That’s right. That old person hasn’t died away completely, and honestly, it never will. It’s who I am; it’s a part of me. Being selfish, idiotic, pessimistic, and stupid are just trademarks of who I am. I know that it’s a bad way to start out a journal, with a dark entry, but I guess that’s why journals are started a lot of the time. When somebody has troubles to get out, they turn to writing, because sometimes, all we can ever do is express what we have to say in words that we could never speak. That’s what I do, anyway. Writing is a personal crutch for me, and honestly, without it, I’d probably be dead.

Anyway, enough about myself. (See? I told you I’m selfish. Not to mention conceited. Actually, any negative adjective that you can think of, that probably explains something about me.) Life has good and bad, and forever will we marvel at the seemingly perfect and inescapable balance of the two. Ever since I realized how true the fact that life is balanced with good and bad is, I’ve tried my very best to actually witness it firsthand. Only, I suppose I never really pondered the idea that the struggles and joy that we experience daily is balance itself. More and more have I learned this to be true, but it hasn’t deterred me from experiencing sorrow or happiness. I only say that because sometimes, when something becomes known, it’s as if you can avoid it. But I guess life is too good to be fooled that easily. The reason as to why I feel down today is really a silly one, as are all my other reasons. Every time I feel sad or even slightly irked by something, it’s always something small and irrelevant. It pains me to know that I’m hurt by the most minute things, but I can’t stop it. My emotions have a strong hold on who I am, along with my mind in general. It’s as if I’m a prisoner to my own mental capacity, and I’m not in control of what I do. I know why I’m this way, but the fact that I actually am this way is unavoidable. Anyway, the reason I’m down is because of a small little happening before homeroom this morning. I find Kira, as usual, and follow her as she runs some errands around the school. Nothing special. However, as time came closer and closer to the bell, I guess I sort of felt like everything I did went unnoticed. I began feeling as if she wasn’t caring for anything I was doing. And with me, whenever something like that happens, I jump straight to my own pessimism, and with this, I told myself that it wasn’t just coincidence or a mishap that she wasn’t paying attention; I told myself that she wasn’t paying attention for a reason. It was a domino effect after that. I began scrutinizing every action, every small detail, down to the very dot. Any time she didn’t hold my hand, every time she didn’t look at me, every time she walked just a foot in front of me. Everything. And I piled them onto each other, creating a list of truly meaningless things, yet nevertheless, things which mattered to me. After 1st period, I was dead. My sorrow had taken over, and nothing I did could change how I felt. Then, as always, the mere fact that I felt the way I did, and for the reasons that I did, I became even more sorrowful. It’s just that when these things happen, I’m lost in my own sea of despair, one that’s hidden away from everybody else. Nobody will ever know what’s locked up within the depths of my mind, because I forever pledged to never reveal my emotions to somebody again. Even though I’ve significantly broken that oath with Kira, I still hold true to it, because it’s who I am. I’m a closed door, and nobody will, nor ever should see what’s behind that door. So here is where I seek refuge. Here, in words on a blank page, is where I bleed my emotions and thoughts for my own private suffering. Because sometimes, you’ve nowhere else to go.

I swear that you don’t have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
To late, I’m sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
For heaven’s sake I know you’re sorry
But you won’t stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I’m dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you’d never be the same

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he’s on your lips
I can’t forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to
But I can’t forgive you
So when this is over don’t blow your composure baby
I can’t forgive you
I know you want me to want you I want to