Lost
Well, nothing much has changed. I’m still emerged in the ocean of darkness, pessimism, etc. that I threw myself into. So I kind of started thinking about all that. Yeah, yeah, me thinking about anything is never a good thing. It’s just that I can’t help but see so much in all of this. It’s who I am, you know? I analyze things. I break them down. I love figuring out stuff. Puzzles, games, whatever. And I hate not knowing things. Even the smallest, most unimportant things. I just have to know. I kind of feel like I’ve been sinking into a sort of apathetic state. I don’t care about so many things, and I feel so numb to every feeling I should be feeling. People never mattered to me, but now I feel kind of like that’s been taken to a whole new level. I don’t care anybody. Not one person.
Okay, so I’m bullshitting you. The truth is that I’m lost in a dark, pessimistic world, more and more like House every day. And I just don’t know what set it off. I probably explored all this in some previous journal entry, but whatever. It could have been the fact that I did what I always do. I adapted to something to make sure that nobody could break down my defenses. I sealed myself away, making sure that nothing and nobody could ever get through. It’s like when I let somebody in, it feels really good. But then it just blows up in my face. I feel shattered, in a way. I feel like it was a mistake. And for all I know, it was a mistake. The problem, then, is with love. I can’t, haven’t, and will never harbor the thought that letting somebody who I love inside is a mistake. But I will openly and happily admit that letting somebody who isn’t my lover inside is a mistake. What I can’t understand is why I’ve become so much more of who I am…the actual person; dark, pessimistic, blah blah blah…to Kira.
So much recently have I broken countless commitments that I made to myself for her. I’ve turned my back on her because of things she does, I’ve done stupid things like gotten angry over the stupidest things, blah blah blah. I feel so terrible when I do the things, but for some reason…I also feel good! And I want kill myself for that. Really. I feel so goddamn terrible over the fact that I actually get enjoyment out of that. So my point is that this person I’ve become is affecting Kira and I, which I definitely have covered in a previous journal entry. But it’s just something really big to me. I don’t know. I barely know what to say anymore. Other than some gigantic rant about how horrible life is, and all the pain and crap that’s in it. Then I’d tie some rational, sensical part into it about dealing with it. For now, though, I just don’t know what else to say. I am lost.
