Daisies Await
I let this site go a little bit. My bad! I honestly forgot about it after about a week, so my apologies.
Well, recently, I feel both melancholy and happy. It’s kind of a weird feeling, actually. There’s nothing wrong at all, and I feel completely fine. Nothing disturbing me at all. I’m happy. But I also have a very open and very blatant pessimistic side now. Only recently have I become this dark and…well, for a lack of a better word, only recently have I become this cynical. Sadistic, if you’d like to put it that way. Hell, for somebody like me, the smallest thing could have set it off. The fact that I’ve been drowning myself in the T.V series House is probably a gigantic source of it. But well, it’s surely interesting. It adds whole new meaning to who I am. It’s actually kind of cool, in a bad, horrible way.
School is almost over. Which may be a good thing, contrary to what I believed. Taking away this gigantic work load will be quite a relief. The fact that I can begin fulfilling my commitments with subbing and stuff is also quite exciting. And also, of course, I have all that free time! I can do whatever I want, when I want, and however I want. FINALLY! Yes, my time with Kira will be dramatically reduced. I might not even see her this entire summer, because she’s quite busy. “Sighs” Oh well. With this newly acquired pessimistic, melancholy, dark, sadistic, and strangely conceited point of view, I feel unaffected. Not that it doesn’t hurt or anything, and not that I’m not inflicted by it, but I just won’t be destroyed by it.
I think that a large part of the whole new melancholy, pessimistic thing is a part of who I’ve always been. People don’t change. And I most definitely haven’t. I’ve just gotten better at what I do and who I am. I’ve adapted. I went through a dramatic low from February to April, only sinking further and further into my own apathy and depression. My sorrow swallowed me whole, and I tried so hard to get out. But it was like quicksand, pulling me further in the harder I tried to get out. It didn’t matter whether I wanted out or not. I was there, and nothing was going to stop it. But as always, I shut away my pain and hid myself from the world. And when it mattered most, I did my best to channel my pain and keep others out at the same time. Kira wanted to know what was wrong so many times, and I don’t think I ever told her everything. I did all I could to just channel my pain to the perfect extent without letting anybody inside too far. If you ask me, I wouldn’t be able to tell you what was wrong. I honestly don’t know the complete story. I guess I’m just so complex and so fucked up that I don’t even understand myself. I could. If I wanted to. But something inside of me just doesn’t want to. I probably have the best psychoanalytical abilties anybody on Earth could ever have. I could probably figure anybody out. But the one way to not be able to analyze somebody is if the analyist doesn’t want to. For myself, I don’t know why I don’t want to. But I simply don’t. If I could control what I feel, what I think, the deeper parts of me and not just the shallow and hollow parts of me, then I’d be able to understand. But I can’t. And I guess that’s what is the most frustrating part for me. I need to understand things. I need knowledge. Curiosity and my thirst for knowledge is a major downfall to me. Everything is a puzzle to me; life serves as an intricate mystery that I love to scrutinize over and over until I understand every single facet of it. It’s just who I am.
So anyway, after I finally found a light at the end of the tunnel, I did what I also always have done. I sealed away my pain with something foolproof. Something that would work. Pessimism. Darkness. Making the part of me that doesn’t shine brightly to shine brighter than any other part of me. Surely, it’s just one tunnel in the countless number of tunnels to come my way in my feeble existence, but I guess I can’t only look at them as tunnels. I’ve become darker. Pessimistic. Completely overwhelmed with my dark side. But I saved myself. I saved Kira. I saved us. I didn’t give up on us. I could have. I could have convinced myself that there was no point in trying to fight for us anymore, but I didn’t. And it paid off. I got the amazing day with her that I’d been waiting for. And another after that.
So if there has been any lesson at all, amidst this gigantic rant, it’s been that there is shimmers of hope amidst the darkest shadows. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know that it’ll be with Kira. Together. They say that daisies can represent life and death. Life will have its ups and its downs, and I’ll be stuck. I’ll feel lost and completely destroyed. Sooner or later. And then I’ll feel amazing while I’m having the best day of my life. Wherever we go, I know that daisies await us.
