Haunted
I don’t think that I’m as bad as I was on Friday or whenever I wrote that last journal entry. I know that right now, I’m far from happy in more ways than you could imagine, but I’m not that sad. I could be worse, you know?
Sometimes I wish I could actually control what I feel… It’s just that I’m so sick and tired of being ruled by my emotions. I don’t want to feel sad for the most idiotic reasons ever. I’m so sensitive that I get set off by something as stupid as not being paid attention to. I mean, you would seriously think with who I am, I wouldn’t care less. (I’ll insert a journal entry sometime later that explains everything about who I am, my history, my life, etc. Just for logistics purposes.) Everything that I do has an effect on how I feel, even the smallest, very minute things that I do. Everything that everybody else does has an even bigger effect on my emotions, and even smaller things can affect me. But I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be so severely depressed as I was on Friday because of something I feel embarrased being depressed over. Most of all, I don’t want to be this way because of Kira. I betray every word I ever have spoken to myself or to her about everything that I would do for her, everything that I would be for her, and everything that I would be. I break every single promise I ever made. And I just can’t have that. I can’t live knowing that I said I’d always care, that I’d always be there, that I’d never turn my back on her, and suddenly turn my back, not caring and not staying. Just because of some stupid little thing that shouldn’t mean a thing, but it did to me. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
I don’t know what’s happening to me… I suppose I’ve always been severely emotional, but not to the extent that everything that happens affects my emotions. And as I always have been, I’m alone. And I guess that’s sort of why this has taken over who I am to such a large extent. I feel like I’m going back to my past. I feel like I’m back in the hell that turned me into what I am today. For so long, I bottled up my past and let it go. I left it alone, waiting for it to die away on its own. Waiting for the pain to go away. Waiting for every haunting memory to disappear. But it’s all still here with me. Deep inside of me, it festers. I feel it inside of me, clawing its way out. And for some reason, it’s affecting me now more than ever. For so long, I’ve been numb and cold, leaving myself invulnerable to any sort of pain that my past could bring. But now, I’ve fallen in love. And my emotions have opened. My heart is once again beating, vibrant with life. For once, after what seemed like ages of agony and despair, being left out in the cold to die, I feel alive once again. I feel as if there is hope. And that’s why my past is catching up with me. Ghosts I never killed now chase me, and I know they’ll catch me. My demons awake along with my emotions; the haunting nightmares of what once was is awakens alongside my own heart. For what purpose, I don’t believe it matters. Because the fact of the matter is that they are there, regardless of reason or purpose. They haunt my every dream, and they plague my very existence. It’s been nearly 8 months since I’d fallen in love, but during those 8 months, I felt something inside of me… Building. Growing. And beginning to claw its way out. Love, however, masked it all. I felt that I had completely forgotten it all. I felt that I was free of who I was. And now I pay for what a fool I was. I was an imbecile to believe that anybody could ever be free of who they once were. The lesson I thus learned is that people don’t change. Rather, we adapt, and we build. We grow out of who we once were, but that person is never forgotten. It dwells deep inside of you until the day you die. It depends, though, whether that person is like the person I once was – wounded, broken, shattered, and destroyed to the point where it’s nothing but a cold, numb, empty shell – or something else. Because if it is broken, then nothing can stop your past from haunting you. Nothing can stop that person from clawing its way out. Your past will always haunt you; memories never fade.
So I couldn’t possibly say that I have any idea as to what to do. I can’t be free of my past. Not ever. All I can do is quietly suffer and hope. Hope that it’ll fade on its own, receding back to the abyss it came from. There is a hole in me. A dark, sorrowful chasm in which all my pain and sorrow, lamented memories and my darkest shadows take refuge. And all I can do is hope that maybe one day, that hole will be covered. Because I’ll never be free of my past. But I can make it go away.
