I Am On My Knees Today
Well, this is my brand new blog/journal, even though it’s technically an old one. I just deleted all the old posts. Mostly because the majority of them were a snapshot of a person I’ve ceased to be. I’ve changed – abandoned the person I used to be, because I was wrong. About a lot of things. But I think that mostly, the reason I absolutely hated that old journal, and the reason that I deleted it was because I hated the person that was writing it. I hated the fact that I found several entries about Kira and I that made it seem like all I care about is my own happiness. The fact that all my entries about Kira were either extremely happy or extremely sad, and when they were sad, all they could ever talk about is the fact that I wasn’t loved. I mean, really… It was all just complete bullshit.
What’s ironic is that I can’t help but feel that way today. That’s right. That old person hasn’t died away completely, and honestly, it never will. It’s who I am; it’s a part of me. Being selfish, idiotic, pessimistic, and stupid are just trademarks of who I am. I know that it’s a bad way to start out a journal, with a dark entry, but I guess that’s why journals are started a lot of the time. When somebody has troubles to get out, they turn to writing, because sometimes, all we can ever do is express what we have to say in words that we could never speak. That’s what I do, anyway. Writing is a personal crutch for me, and honestly, without it, I’d probably be dead.
Anyway, enough about myself. (See? I told you I’m selfish. Not to mention conceited. Actually, any negative adjective that you can think of, that probably explains something about me.) Life has good and bad, and forever will we marvel at the seemingly perfect and inescapable balance of the two. Ever since I realized how true the fact that life is balanced with good and bad is, I’ve tried my very best to actually witness it firsthand. Only, I suppose I never really pondered the idea that the struggles and joy that we experience daily is balance itself. More and more have I learned this to be true, but it hasn’t deterred me from experiencing sorrow or happiness. I only say that because sometimes, when something becomes known, it’s as if you can avoid it. But I guess life is too good to be fooled that easily. The reason as to why I feel down today is really a silly one, as are all my other reasons. Every time I feel sad or even slightly irked by something, it’s always something small and irrelevant. It pains me to know that I’m hurt by the most minute things, but I can’t stop it. My emotions have a strong hold on who I am, along with my mind in general. It’s as if I’m a prisoner to my own mental capacity, and I’m not in control of what I do. I know why I’m this way, but the fact that I actually am this way is unavoidable. Anyway, the reason I’m down is because of a small little happening before homeroom this morning. I find Kira, as usual, and follow her as she runs some errands around the school. Nothing special. However, as time came closer and closer to the bell, I guess I sort of felt like everything I did went unnoticed. I began feeling as if she wasn’t caring for anything I was doing. And with me, whenever something like that happens, I jump straight to my own pessimism, and with this, I told myself that it wasn’t just coincidence or a mishap that she wasn’t paying attention; I told myself that she wasn’t paying attention for a reason. It was a domino effect after that. I began scrutinizing every action, every small detail, down to the very dot. Any time she didn’t hold my hand, every time she didn’t look at me, every time she walked just a foot in front of me. Everything. And I piled them onto each other, creating a list of truly meaningless things, yet nevertheless, things which mattered to me. After 1st period, I was dead. My sorrow had taken over, and nothing I did could change how I felt. Then, as always, the mere fact that I felt the way I did, and for the reasons that I did, I became even more sorrowful. It’s just that when these things happen, I’m lost in my own sea of despair, one that’s hidden away from everybody else. Nobody will ever know what’s locked up within the depths of my mind, because I forever pledged to never reveal my emotions to somebody again. Even though I’ve significantly broken that oath with Kira, I still hold true to it, because it’s who I am. I’m a closed door, and nobody will, nor ever should see what’s behind that door. So here is where I seek refuge. Here, in words on a blank page, is where I bleed my emotions and thoughts for my own private suffering. Because sometimes, you’ve nowhere else to go.
I swear that you don’t have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
To late, I’m sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words so sing along for me baby
For heaven’s sake I know you’re sorry
But you won’t stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I’m dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you’d never be the same
I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you’d help me out of the dark
And I’d give my heart as an offering
And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he’s on your lips
I can’t forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to
But I can’t forgive you
So when this is over don’t blow your composure baby
I can’t forgive you
I know you want me to want you I want to
